i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
