They should really pass out barf bags in church
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
