I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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