I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
