I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Randomize
