I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
