I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
