got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
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because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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