Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
