I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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