I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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