I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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