I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
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I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
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You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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