if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
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and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think your dad took our porno
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An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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