Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
