as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
