East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm sobbing to NWA
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
