just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
