Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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