apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
