can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
