I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
