"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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