i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
