You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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