I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
