I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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