I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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