I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
