i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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