Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
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as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
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She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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