I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
