My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
