She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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