We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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