just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
