I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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