i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
