She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
