The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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