I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
