The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
