I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
