I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
