I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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