2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
