oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
