Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
