Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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