At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
