If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
