and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
