My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
