Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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