i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
