I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
