Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
